	Bob Hostetler > Writing

2006 Predictions; No Crystal Ball Necessary

by Bob Hostetler

A new year always prompts a plethora of lists, retrospectives, and predictions: The Best of/Worst of 2005, What’s Hot/What’s Not, What’s In/What’s Out/What’s Next. Not to be outdone—or, if you prefer, not having anything more original to offer—this seems the perfect time to humbly present my predictions for 2006 (without resorting to horoscopes, psychics, or a finger in the wind).

People will die in Iraq. Not just Iraqis, but also Americans. And many pundits and politicians will affect surprise when this happens.

National news media will continue to chart the number of Americans dying in Iraq (largely ignoring how many terrorists are killed or captured…or how this year’s death toll compares to the number of rapes, murders, and disfigurements a Hussein regime may have tallied).

A natural disaster will occur somewhere in the world. Probably several. Maybe even in America. I know, we’re supposed to be immune to misfortune, but I’m telling ya: it’s going to happen.

When disaster occurs, the United States will send millions and millions of dollars to help. In related news (oddly enough), people around the world will continue to hate us. And people here at home will continue to blame President Bush for the hatred, as though it’s something new.

Hillary Clinton will not run for president. In 2006. No, really. She won’t. Yet.

Our nation will continue to spend money like Queen Latifah in “Last Holiday.” Neither the president nor the congress will summon the will to do the right thing, fiscally speaking.

Gas prices will go up. Then down. Then back up. Then up again. Then back down. Of course, the general direction will continue to be up, and general reaction among Americans will be shock and amazement, as though it’s never happened before.

A celebrity will be caught in scandalous behavior. Then his or her new book, movie, or CD will start selling like sun block at a nudist camp.

A few celebrities will get married…and divorced. Some might even get remarried again before the year is out.

A dictator will die. It could be Castro. Or Kim. Or Mugabe. Or someone else. I think that about covers it.

The stock market will go up. Then it will go down. Repeat. Ad nauseum.

A football team will win the Super Bowl, and a baseball team will win the World Series. Mark my words.

New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd will hate everything President Bush does. Weekly Standard editor Fred Barnes will like everything President Bush does. And Senator John McCain will repeatedly stick it to President Bush.

Former New York Times reporter Judith Miller will make enough money on sales of her memoirs to demonstrate that her nearly three months in jail was the best investment strategy since the dot-com bubble burst.

Hollywood—having exhausted every possible television series remake—will start to innovate…sort of (yeah, but will anyone pay money to watch “The Dukes of Hazzard Guide to the Universe?”).

Howard Dean will say and do something utterly outrageous. It won’t matter.

Newspaper circulation will continue to decline.

Bill Gates will still be unimaginably rich.

Something new will be found to cause cancer. And something we previously thought caused cancer will turn out to be good for you.

Cellphones will get smaller. Television screens will get bigger.

People will find new places on their bodies to pierce, tattoo, or inject botox into.

And—totally without the aid of a crystal ball or prestidigitation of any kind—allow me to venture one more prediction for the year 2006: The pope will continue to be Catholic.

You heard it here first.

A slightly different version of this article appeared in the January 8, 2006, edition of the Hamilton Journal-News.

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