Bob Hostetler > Writing

The Periodic Table of Denominations

by Bob Hostetler

Note to reader: This article was written in tandem with a colorful table, styled after the periodic table of elements that caused me no end of frustration in high school chemistry class.

The Periodic Table of the Elements gives basic information (atomic weight, number of electrons in each shell beginning with the K shell -- all kinds of really useful stuff) about all the known chemical elements (metals, nonmetals, noble gases, etc.). The table helps chemists compare the chemical behavior of the various elements, among other uses too wonderful to imagine.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the church devised something similar -- The Periodic Table of the Denominations? Such a table could help Christians decide which churches are “acceptable” and which are not, as well as providing such important information as which denominations have the best church suppers (speaking of noble gases) or softball teams.

The table above lists ninety-eight denominations, associations, or abominations of churches, loosely grouped according to weight (light or heavy in theology) and volatility (inert or active in worship). It is not an exhaustive listing, although we’re pretty tired from the effort.

A note to all you chemistry buffs (now there’s a picture we’d rather not dwell on) who notice that the active and inert positions are reversed from their placement on the Periodic Table of the Elements: keep in mind that, while gases are generally inert in nature, they are usually active in theology.
The following key may or may not be helpful in understanding the table:

¹C Roman Catholic Church

“The first member of group 1 is, in many respects, unique among the elements. It could, with justification, also be placed at the bottom of the group” (we didn’t say it; Funk & Wagnell’s Encyclopedia did).

²AG Assemblies of God, General Council of

³LC Liberal Catholic Church

Name chosen by the Department of Redundancy Department

⁴ORC Old Roman Catholic Church (English Rite)

For old Roman Catholics

⁵PCC Polish National Catholic Church in America

We won’t touch this one with a ten-foot pole

⁶S Swedenborgian

Founded by tennis great in mid-1970s

⁷PCOG Pentecostal Church of God

⁸IPCOC Independent Pentecostal Church of God

Not to be confused with IPECAC, although critics say it often produces the same results

⁹UPCI United Pentecostal Church International

Attendance in member churches is counted by bar code

¹⁰A Amana Church Society

They sing all their hymns to the tune, “Home on the Range”

¹¹OOA Old Order Amish

¹²BAM Beachy Amish Mennonite Churches

Their motto: “Life’s a beach, then you die”

¹³UM United Methodist Church, The

¹⁴FM Free Methodist Church of North America

No offerings taken

¹⁵AM/FM Radio Free Methodist

¹⁶X African Methodist Episcopal Church

¹⁷ NBEL&SSEoftheUSA (National Baptist Evangelical Life and Soul-Saving Assembly of the United States of America)

Winner of the “Longest Name for a Denomination Award;” their choir members all belong to SPEBSQSA

¹⁸DUK Duck River & Kindred Association of Baptists

Winner of the “Most Appropriate Name for a Denomination” award

¹⁹GARB General Association of Regular Baptists

They use prune juice in communion

²⁰N Church of the Nazarene

Sorry, there’s just nothing funny about these people

²¹SA Salvation Army, The

Everything about these people is funny

²²PFB Pentecostal Free-will Baptist Church, Inc.

How much less “Baptist” can they get?

²³CSH Christ’s Sanctified Holy Church

Not Baptists; they walk on water

²⁴4² Foursquare Gospel, International Church of the

Favorite denomination in schoolyards everywhere

²⁵F Religious Society of Friends (Quakers)

²⁶PB Plymouth Brethren

Church parking lot accommodates only GM cars

²⁷BCC Brethren in Christ Church (formerly River Brethren)

BCC has not been involved in any banking scandals (or so they say)

²⁸LCA Lutheran Church in America

²⁹CMA Christian & Missionary Alliance

How’d they get squeezed between two Lutherans? Inquiring minds want to know

³⁰ELS Evangelical Lutheran Synod

What is a synod, anyway?

³¹AMEZ African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church

A tax form you fill out in the morning

³²NABC North American Baptist Conference

Launched by Ted Turner on cable

³³2C’D Two-Seed-in-the-Spirit Predestinarian Baptist

Huh?

³⁴FB Freewill Baptist

Not to be confused with Disney-launched “Free Willie Baptist Church”

³⁵ Primitive Baptist

They still use outdoor toilets

³⁶IFC Independent Fundamental Churches of America

An independent association of independents

³⁷TCK Triumphant Church and Kingdom of God in Christ

Heck, the figure out and mean that what?

³⁸CI Church of Illumination

Heckuva Christmas light display

³⁹C...FA Church of Our Lord Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith, Inc.

‘Nuff said

⁴⁰OGB Old German Baptist Brethren

Also known as Old Order Dunkers (go for the German chocolate donuts during coffee hour)

⁴¹SB Social Brethren

The others are all anti-social

⁴²CUB Church of the United Brethren

No sistrens allowed

⁴³LMO Lutheran Church -- Missouri Synod

⁴⁴ALCA Apostolic Lutheran Church of America

From the apostolic succession of Abraham, Martin, and John

⁴⁵EF Evangelical Free Church of America

No cover charge for evangelicals

⁴⁶AUF African Union First Colored Methodist Protestant Church, Inc.

⁴⁷BB United Baptist

None of the other Baptists are united, only these

⁴⁸B...B Separate Baptists in Christ

At least they’re honest about it

⁴⁹UFB United Free Will Baptist Church

Think they can do anything about those Separate Baptists?

⁵⁰UCC United Church of Christ

⁵¹ChC Christian Church/Church of Christ

⁵²UHC United Holiness Church of America, Inc.

⁵³FZ Free Christian Zion Church of Christ

Free Cuba, too, while you’re at it

⁵⁴PUF Pillar of Fire

They disavow any association with David Koresh (past or present)

⁵⁵E Episcopal Church, The

⁵⁶EO Anglican Orthodox Church

Not to be confused with all those unorthodox Anglicans

⁵⁷EIEIO Old McDonald’s Church

⁵⁸ERF Evangelical and Reformed Church

⁵⁹PCUSA Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.)

The PC could also represent “politically correct”

⁶⁰PCA Presbyterian Church in America, The

“The Church of Hard Knox”

⁶¹AAB Black Baptist

⁶²ABA American Baptist Association

Later, with Dr. J., joined the NBA

⁶³ABCUSA American Baptist Churches in the U.S.A.

⁶⁴ A•B•C•U•S•A M•O•U•S•E

Used to star Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello

⁶⁵CoC Congregational Church

⁶⁶CA Church of God (Anderson, IN)

⁶⁷CH Church of God (Huntsville, AL)

⁶⁸CC Church of God (Cleveland, TN)

Did Amelia Earhart get lost in the Church of God Triangle?

⁶⁹CG Church of God in Christ

That’s in Christ as opposed to in Indiana, Alabama, or Tennessee

⁷⁰OX Albanian, American Carpatho-Russian, Antiochian, Greek, Assyrian, Romanian, Russian, Serbian, Syrian, Ukrainian Eastern Orthodox Church

How many Orthodox can you fit on the head of a pin?

⁷¹REF Reformed Episcopal Church

Because the Episcopal Church was not faithful to the true faith of Henry VIII

⁷²RCA Reformed Church in America

They hear the sound of their Master’s voice

⁷³GE General Evangelical Church

They bring good things to life

⁷⁴RPCES Reformed Presbyterian Church, Evangelical Synod

Their anthem: “R-P-C-E-S- Tea, tell you what it means to me. . .”

⁷⁵2CPC Second Cumberland Presbyterian Church in the United States

No one knows what happened to the first Cumberland Presbyterian Church

⁷⁶AO African Orthodox Church, Inc.

African Orthodox. . . isn’t that an oxymoron?

⁷⁷SBC Southern Baptist Convention

⁷⁸RB Reformed Baptist

⁷⁹4C Conservative Congregational Christian Conference

Their preachers specialize in alliteration

⁸⁰3C Congregational Christian Churches (National Association)

Churches being separate. . . together

⁸¹3CU Church of Christ in Christian Union

Maybe they can do something about those Separate Baptists

⁸²C(O) Church of God, Inc., The (Original)

⁸³SWF Schwenkfelder Church

With a name like Schwenkfelder, it has to be good

⁸⁴WRLD Universal Christian Spiritual Faith and Churches of All Nations

Their anthem: “We are the World”

The following elements are off the chart to the “left:”

⁸⁵DoC Disciples of Christ

⁸⁶UU Unitarian/Universalist

They’re not too strict about requirements for membership

The following are recently discovered elements which are separate from the table because of unique qualities which set them apart:

⁸⁷LDS Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints

⁸⁸RLDS Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints

⁸⁹LSD Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Strangites)

As if the LDS are not strange enough

⁹⁰CJC C Church of Jesus Christ (Bickertonites)

Maybe they should get together with the Separate Baptists

⁹¹UC Unity School of Christianity

Is none of the above

⁹²ACC Apostolic Christian Church (Nazarean)

Best church basketball league

⁹³JW Jehovah’s Witnesses

⁹⁴CS Church of Christ, Scientist

Is none of the above

⁹⁵NS National Spiritualist Association of Churches

⁹⁶PS Progressive Spiritualist Church